O.T.: marriage counseling

bovide_4

Anybody been to marriage counseling? Is it worth it, or is it a racket? How about internet counseling sites? Sorry for the O.T., but where I come from it is almost mandatory to have at least one divorce under your belt to be a licensed tradesman. I'm headed for #2:(.

Unknown

bovide

Mandatory??, tradesman related??, agreed having troubles at home makes things no easier, but depression NEVER helps, so see your doctor and find-out what`ll keep your mind straight!

"Dr" Dave

DanHolohan

To me,

marriage counselling is when The Lovely Marianne tells me to just nod and say yes. Anything else isn't cost-effective.

Dave Larsen_9

counseling?

Dan that is Marriage training and I too have a certificate in "yes dear" training

bovide_4

The "mandatory" and "tradesman" comment was just a joke, but with inherent truth as seen at contractor association meetings.

ScottMP

Divorce rates

are very high and I think sometimes people don't know how to respect each other. Marriage is a team effort not a boss with an employee.

That said, " Yes Dear " works very well sometimes.

Scott

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Unknown

Well,

I was just trying to help,,,many have been through-it!!
Myself, I suffer from depression(probably very evident in my posts,,Thanks for the "slack" Dan) ,,not easy either.

Dave

[Deleted User]

I think that is typical of life in general...

It does not matter wether you're a stock broker or a boiler buster.

And, being on my second wife, I can't say for sure if counseling would have helped or not, but knowing what it cost me in terms of money and loss of mental health, I'd say that it HAS to at least be worth the effort to try...

If not professionally, there are a lot of church group counceling sessions out there that won't cost you anything but time. And like life in general, you BOTH have to want to attend, otherwise it's not going to work.

Best of luck to you. I know where you're coming from. It happens to everyone at one point or another.

ME

Unknown

True Mark,

Well said,,,and I owe you, hr, and GaryW apologies for "stupid remarks" said in a "nutzo frenzy",,,please accept.
As I said, "depression is not easy to live with"!

Dave

[Deleted User]

Appologies not necessary...

Recognzing the fact that you have a problem is the first step to reconciliation to ANY problem. Seeking help is the second. Sounds like you're on the right track to me...

Mental health is VERY important, and one of the most misdiagnosed diseases in the world.

Hang tough pal. We're here to help.

ME

Brad White_184

Not that you asked but

my attorney once said to me, "Why get married? Find a woman you hate and buy her a house."



All kidding aside, I have never seen counseling work unless there is a commitment on both parties. The paradox of that is, if you can agree to counseling and have that commitment and ability to communicate, you probably do not need counseling in the first place.

Do you both have any hope that you can live happily ever after? Or are you both holding on, maybe each for different reasons that escape you?

Maybe it is a realization that you are not right for each other (and that is OK).

I have a divorce under my belt so I do understand. Not a whole lot to add, but trying the counseling route is at least a way to say that you tried, maybe not everything but at least explored the options.

One last thing, not that it matters, but I found the process as much about self-exploration as anything else- maybe that is why it can be so painful sometimes.

Hang tough- I am encouraged that you can ask and reach out.

Steve Garson_2

Yes, counseling works if both parties want it to work. My wife is a psychotherapist and I've learned from our own experience. The difficulty is finding a good therapist: someone you can really open up to. Very hard to find if you have an HMO.

I also am a BIG proponent of medication if you are depressed or anxious. No one should suffer from depression. It is a treatable disease and not a symptom of any personal failing or weakness. Most of my friends are in the psych field. Get help! If Tony Soprano could, then you can!

Steve

Wayco Wayne_2

In my case

it worked out for me and my wife. Our first year together was hell. We we not getting along. My wife, without telling me, eventually went to a lawyer to protect her assets and set the path for divorce. The lawyer, who was a woman, asked her if she had tried marriage counseling. She sent her away and said to call her after she tried the counseling. That lawyer saved our marriage. We got a great counselor and it saved our marriage. This May will mark 25 years together. Sometimes you just need help getting to the underlying issues and talking about them. A good counselor is golden. WW

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burnerman_2

this is great

this has to be the best site on the net i like brads advice from his lawyer but i agree a marriage conseller can help butt you both have too agree(you both have to want to save the marriage) i am also divorced my pastor was my conseller and the not so lovly sharon wanted more than her share and only wanted her way so once in a while you lose a battle but i am still in the war great topic have a happy new years to all the wally's royboy

Unknown

Thanks Mark

I REALLY NEEDED to know that!!

Dave

Roland_9

Relationship help

Hi Bovide, I don't have any experience with marriage counceling but have had way too much with psychotherapy. I worked for MANY years on my relationship with myself. You are right to seek this path because you feel that there is something precious to save. That is the sign of emotional maturity. Good for you! In my humble opinion, the relationship with the person chosen(by both of you) to counsel you and your wife is critical. This is the time to be picky. It's all important to have an excellent raport with this person. Take time to interview therapists. The good ones are few and far between. Go with your gut feeling. It's not much different than allowing someone to be your best friend and confidant.
Best of luck,Roland

Mad Dog_2

You are NOT off-base at all

This trade WILL wreak havoc on your family life. That being said, if you got the right woman.... Just make sure that your not using work as an excuse...and its not other things. Marriage counseling can work if and only if BOTH people really want to work it out. Forget the internet, you need to sit down face to face. A counselor rec'd by your clergyman is a good bet. Good luck, Buddy. Mad Dog

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JimmyK

Trades are tough?

Sorry, but plumbing and heating business is a piece of cake compared to the restaurant business. You want a marriage breaker thats at the top. Went from owning 5 restaurants to now owning my own Plg business. My lovely wife sees me more than ever. Occasional late emergency call or the old all day boiler job are a piece of cake compared to what I used to go through.

Mike T., Swampeast MO

Counseling can help, but you both have to want it to help.

I'm 44 and while I know there've been lots of changes in the world since the days of my grandparents, I have a feeling that actual relationships haven't really changed that much. The two generations before me seem to have had a much better understanding of for better or for worse.

Granted my first marriage lasted only seven years, but the second non-codified "marriage" has been around for 20 years and for whatever reason we both find it "until death do we part" even if we might want to kill each other at times...

Tombig_2

OT??

I'm surprised no one pondered if he meant "off topic" or "overtime". I assume it's overtime. Me, I'm pushing 14 yrs single after 13 married. She never did get used to the late nights but in all honesty they weren't all service calls either. After marrying young and suffering through a divorce my advise to anyone contemplating such is "do what it takes to make it work, the alternative sucks"

Good luck to you my friend.

John Barba

Learned a lot in counselling

It helped me get out of a bad first marraige and into a great second one. I think Brad nailed it (pardon the pun) by saying counselling is as much about working on yourself as it is the relationship. You can't change anyone else, or make them do something if they don't want to do it...you can only control yourself.

I know I was worried we'd get a woman counselor that would say everything was my fault, but we didn't, and it wasn't. Half of it was, and a good counselor will help you see that and deal with your part. Then let the rest happen...

Good luck!

JMB

Unknown

It has been my experience as

a licensed counsellor and ordained minister that counseling with an emphasis on a spiritual awakening for both parties has great success.

I have counseled hundreds of couples since 1970 and have a success rate of about 85%.

I also will not marry anyone who has not gone through at least 6 months of counseling with me before marriage. That is usually one 2 hour session once a week for the six months.

I am presently working with a recovery group and part of that ministry is to bring about reconciliation with thier spouse and children.

Hey and guess what I am free!

Unknown

Well Tombig ,

Been at it since 1988,,,, still looking for my fortune.
Buy an analyzer,,,,no-one pays the fees!
Check-out screw-ups(usually from the gas company), again no-one pays the fees.
Red Tag,,the gas company here does this, then hands the customer an estimate to replace the equipment at the same time!

Dave

Larry Weingarten

Ann Landers...

... said that money (or lack of) was the cause of 75% of divorces. Remodeling prolly comes in second. It may only be a small slice of the trouble pie, but seeking out what is causing each partner physical or emotional discomfort can be helpful. It might be the cold house on top of the money problems on top of the not feeling fully informed about one's spouse that makes the situation come to lawyers. ;~( It is a place where an outsider can ask good questions and be useful.

Yours, Larry

Tombig_2

Dave

I was talking about the marraige, not the equipment.

Wayco Wayne_2

How many??

How many marriage counselors does it take to change a light bulb??? Answer; Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to be changed. Badabing!!hahahahahahaha....oh sorry. WW

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Ruthe Jubinville_2

glad to see this post

I agree that counseling before the fact could save many couples from making the original mistake. Jerry and I were both on our secand marriage and it was wonderful. Both of us married too young the first time and had no real idea of what it all meant, just wanted to get married. Keep up the good work, Tim. Ruthe

Unknown

After 47 years of marriage bliss

I can honestly say that what is most important is to talk things out and be willing to forgive no matter what. In the first 10 years of my marriage I was not a born again christian and had a serious drinking problem which was ruining my marriage. Hy wife held the marriage together in those days. After Jesus changed my life I discovered I really had bigger issues than the drinking, that was the result of my other issues. I found great comfort in God's word and still do today, along with a dedicated prayer life. My wife Judy and I sit down almost everyday and talk about what ever is bothering us at that itme. We literally have counseled one another over the years. This also helps us to be able to help others. A counselor can not do it for you they can only listen and guide you to an open and frank evaluation of your situation. Then you must each be willing to compromise and sacrifice your own personal desires for the betterment of your relationship.

I encourage anyone seeking counseling to choose a counselor who will sit down one on one with you and show you compassion and not be so very clinical.

burnerman_2

tim

i think tim hit the nail on the head a lot of times our problems are deeper han a consellor can handle but christ is always an answer to any problem try puttin ur life in his hands royboy

Gordy

Thats why the Divorce

Rate is so high anymore. Everyone else is doing it right? So you feel as though you are in good company, maybe a little more secure about not trying.

You both have to want to make it work no matter if God himself is your councelor.

There is alot of good posts here share your thoughts. The wisdom on the Wall goes way beyond Steam, and Hot Water.

I Like Dans marriage advice just nod its not hard. Sometimes we forget how much we take the Mrs. is there to remind us when its her turn.

Gordy

Kevin Pulver

Save most of your money

And buy a couple books, and or DVDs
Michael and Debi Pearl are to marriage and childtraining what our own Dan Holohan is to boiler piping.
Get ahold of their material and wonder why nobody ever made it so plain and simple to you before.
They're a couple Tennessee hillbillies with more wisdom than you can imagine. Find it at www.nogreaterjoy.org
Its called, "Husbands love your wives" and "Wives honor your husbands" and Debi also has a wonderful book called,
"Created to be his help meet." Also very good are Dr. Laura Schlesinger's "Proper care and feeding of husbands"
I have a great marriage, (my wife has a decent marriage)but when I read these books, I felt like these women understood me better than I even understood myself. It was really a nice feeling, and almost uncanny.
I'm sure there's good counselors out there, but you don't have to roll the dice... just get these materials and it will change you and your wife's perspecitive forever.
You can contact me if I can help you also.
Kevin

Kevin Pulver

I would also add

that many people get married too young, too early, and for all the wrong reasons, even to the wrong people...
BUT once they say, "I do" it is the will of God for them to work it out and stay together. And as Timmie said, if both people are committed to allow Jesus Christ to do in them what He needs to do, there is NO MARRIAGE that cannot be made wonderful. Whoever doesn't believe that has a God that is too small.
A wise pastor from Texas, B.H. Clendennen advised young people to be careful in marriage. As he said, "It's better to want something you don't have- than to have something you don't want." But God can do a miracle so you'll want each other. Most people give up too easy. The Dead Men had a different ethic about marriage. It was a commitment for life. You supply the commitment, God will supply the miracle! Kevin

Mike Thomas_2

My parents were asked on their 50th wedding anniversary about the secret to their sucessful marriage. They both agreed early on that who ever asked for the divorce had to take the 6 kids.

DanHolohan

Yep, that would solve most problems!

I have also come to believe that the best marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Mike.C

Make a Weekend To Remember!

My wife and I have been to one last year and we are planning on going again this year and helping to get others to go. http://www.familylife.com/conferences/find_conference.asp?DCMP=BAC-WTR+Static+RT&ATT=ImageRT

Hope this helps
Mike.C

Unknown

Funny you should say that Dan,

just this morning Judy said to me "I think you are deaf, because you never hear what I say".

Rev Billy Graham when asked if he and Ruth had ever considered divorce stated, " Divorce no murder yes".

Kevin O. Pulver_2

I saw a bumpersticker Dan

that said,
"My wife keeps saying I never listen to her...
or something like that."
Kevin

Anna Conda

Scott hit it on the head, the keyword is Respect. It's what's missing from most failed marriages (since it seems to be disappearing from the population in general, it's no wonder more marriages are failing) If there's still respect between you, the marriage can be saved. Then it becomes a matter of working out how, which is a lot simpler than trying to reclaim lost respect.
There's a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and it's by John Gottman, a fellow who spent years studying successful long-term marriages, to find out why they were succeeding. "Long-term" here means "ten years or more", not the "five years" that it's come to mean today. It's basically a paperback marriage counselling session and is a good place to start, at least. I bought it when Mr. Conda and I were going through a rough patch at the 12-year mark. It helped us see what we were doing right (which, surprisingly, was often what we thought we were doing wrong - it debunked a lot of myths, too) We've made it to the 20-year mark now and give copies of the book as wedding presents.
Best of luck to you both.

mtfallsmikey

Before marrying my third

We did pre-marital counseling with the minister from her church.It was well worth it. I suggest doing it, and if she refuses, oh well.

Mitch_4

best I heard from a couple married 72 years

I asked how they did it.

His reply?

"We didn't know you were allowed to quit"

kinda says it all...

Daniel_3

May the Lord give much grace through this thread. My testimonay is a miniature of yours Tim. I have been saved for 21 years now and have been married for almost three. Talking about everything and learning to deny yourself is the best remedy and building up for any relationship. Regular prayer time with my wife and discussions with an open heart are the key to growth. The Lord brought my wife and I together when I had been through such an experience as yours but this was after salvation. After being back in the world for about ten years and then being called back yet again I drew the seperating line bewteen vanity and reality. Noow through experience I know what leads to life and what leads to death, darkness, and confusion. The Lord is my light and salvation!