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Chuck Norris Facts
Abro
Member Posts: 37
You never know when these will come in handy...
*Ah, gee, sorry Dave
*Ah, gee, sorry Dave
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Comments
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True Facts
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist. (my favorite)
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.0 -
You forgot one,........
....When the grim reaper goes to a karaoke bar, he sings "Don't fear Chuck Norris"0 -
This is too funny
John,
I love that one!0 -
you forgot this one
Chuck norris is so tough that even superman wears a pair of his pajamas to bed peace and good luck clammy0 -
Oh my, I almost laughed out loud at work with some embarrasement . . that was too funny! Punch himself in the back of the head!0 -
.0 -
Chuck Norris has never met...
Jason Bourne...
He doesn't wear ANY pajamas :-)
ME0 -
Equal time...
Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."
When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.
Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.
Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.
When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.
Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.
Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
23. That's the number of fools Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.
Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.
Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
Mr. T once travelled back in time in a telephone booth similar to the one in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and killed every Jester and Joker in every King's court, because he pitied those fools.
Mr. T's mohawk is so scared of Mr. T, that it started running to his beard for help.
Mr. T's feather earrings are actually feathers from a foolish bird that he pitied.0 -
they don't get it
Chuck Norris and Mr. T were not in Bourne's league. The bourne trilogy is probably the best, smartest series of action films I have ever seen.
I always liked more realism in a movie than watching Mr. T metalworking with a freakin ring on every finger, and Chuck Norris fighting Kareem.
Besides, I always liked Murdoch better than Mr. T. Face it Mr. T was lame, they had to drug him every time they got in an airplane!
Was I the only one who wished my dad's work van looked like the Black Chevy B.A. aka Mr. T drove!
Cosmo0 -
C'mon Mark
You can't compare an actor to a six time undefeated United States Karate Champion. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional Middleweight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.
In 1968, Chuck was inducted into the Black Belt Hall of Fame as Fighter of the Year. In 1975, he was inducted as Instructor of the Year and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.
Chuck is also founder and President of United Fighting Arts Federation with over 2,300 black belts all over the world.
In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.
Chuck's fist would be the last thing Bourne would see before the lights went out...
Remember Chuck's so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the head! hahahaha0 -
Well,
there WAS anexplanationm of WHY Mr T was "afraid" of getting on planes but I edited THAT baby out of there! LOL...0 -
I told my son
about this thread. Apparently he knows a lot of the Chuck Norris jokes already. He added this one. "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Only problem is, he never cries." WW
To Learn More About This Professional, Click Here to Visit Their Ad in "Find A Professional"0 -
Chuck
Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they are just called "The Islands".0 -
I was going to post something sarcastic but Chuck Norris just walked in. He's a really nice guy in person.....0 -
More
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. (another favorite)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
0 -
I never heard the pants one before
-Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.
-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .
Here is a quote I just thought of while I searched for a Norris joke: "Before google....who knew?" maybe I should copyright it.....
Cosmo0 -
everything I know about car repair
I learned from B.A.
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Chuck Norris Christmas Fact
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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I got one!
Chuck Norris' mamma is so ugly...........
Wait....I gotta' go answer the door.
BRB.
Mark H0 -
I find it tough to believe,
that`s all anyone has to talk about!
Bruce Lee kicked his ****, but no-one seems to remember that!
Dave0 -
Dave Dave Dave
That was the "Pre-Beard" Era. Does that fully explain all of that now?
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
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Rick,
Pre-beard era?,,tough is tough,,you`ve been watching too many Chuck Norris movies,,,,ya gotta know,,he can`t act!!
Sells loads of exercise machines though.
Dave0 -
Chuck
got all of his supreme abilities from his beard squeezins'.
Quite a powerful elixir beard squeezins.
In fact, Rick would give Darin and I a bottle each around this time of year when he was our rep. He tried to trick us into thinking it was wine but we knew better.
Only they weren't Chuck's beard squeezins', they were Jimmy's beard squeezins'. No super powers but you went to the bathroom a lot.
Mark H0 -
Good for you Mark,
perhaps that`s why your "tank" wound up waterlogged so often? LOL!
Dave0 -
EGADS MAN!!
I think you're right!!!!
All kidding aside........not twenty minutes ago I had to replace my Extrol #30 tank. DAYUM they get heavy when they are filled with water!!
If you would like, I'm sure Rick could get a bottle of Jimmy's Famous Beard Squeezins' for ya'.
Used properly.....it keeps you "regular"....
Good one Dave!!! (High five!)
Mark H0 -
Ha Ha Ha,
Mark,,you gotta know I`ll get you for teasing me like that!!!
Dave0 -
Best part
of The Wall.
Dan allows us a bit of "wiggle room" to break out of the day to day, nose to the grindstone and lighten up with some good natured fun.
I believe that Steve Ebels gets first dibs on retribution though. He has been waiting(or is it plotting?) for a couple years now. (I actually worry about this now)
Steve "Wheels" Weiland has a day of reckoning coming from me as well for something he did at the first Wetstock. ***Note to Steve....rest assured that I have been PLOTTING and making little dolls that look like you!!!
All work and no play makes life boring.
Glad you are here Dave!
""""""I wonder how much money I could get for that USED Extrol tank on E-Bay???"""""""
Mark H
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Thanks Mark!
But are you "nudging" me into the corner? LOL!
Dave0 -
NAH!
First come, first served.
(I was actually trying to draw Ebels out.....God only knows what fury awaits me another year from now)
Mark H0 -
I think they call this \"nesting\"!
Dave0 -
How did Chuck Norris get a cut on his face? With his razor... Because only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris.0 -
FACT!
That is another good one!
Mark H0 -
Yah
That's what worries me.
Mark H0 -
For Dave - Celebrity Wheel of Fortune
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.0 -
Rick,
Are you always this funny? Sorry but I forgot to laugh.
Chuck Norris is a "bum", go back and watch another movie!
I may rake-up Clint Eastwood!
Dave0 -
UH OH!
Dave plays the trump card! (A little early though Dave)
"Hell of a thing killin' a man...you take away all he's got and all he'll ever have"
"Dyin' ain't no way to make a livin'"
"Well Mister carpetbagger......back home we got us a thing called a Missoura' river boat ride"
"Do ya' feel lucky....punk?"
Clint waits for Chuck to get done with his gymnastics.....then.......BOOM!
Mark H
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Ha Ha,
Don`t know how far I can squeeze this Mark, but mans gotta realize his limitations.
Dave0 -
It had to happen
you'll probably get a few folks yellin' about shooting an unarmed man. Ya' well.....Clint already covered that.
"He shoulda' armed himself if he wants to decorate his bar with the body of my friend".
"Whooped'em again didn't we Jose?"
"It's always good to have an edge"
"I didn't surrender....but they took my horse and made him surrender....got him pulling a cart in Kansas I bet"
CLINT RULES!
Mark H0 -
Love those movies Mark,
but get some sleep,,,that`s where I`m goin!!
Tomorrow is another day!
Dave0 -
Me too
Good night!
Mark H0
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