Friday Funny

Mitch_4

Ed was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

Empire_2

CHeck this one out

An older married couple in their upper years, married for some time now. The husband comes home one night and the wife takes his coat and hangs it up as usual. As she goes thru the pockets she finds a number in the pocket and immediately gets very mad. While the husband is sitting in his favorite chair, she comes up behind him and smacks him in the head with a frying pan. "OUCH" he said, what did you do that for?

The wife showed him the number and asked him what it was. He said "I was at the track and that is the horse I bet in a race". A little time goes by.... and she hits him again even harder and knocks him out. When he can too rubbing his head, he said "WHY DID YOU HIT ME AGAIN"???

She said,..."YOUR HORSE JUST CALLED!!!!!!!"

Timco

A couple brings their dog to the vet for a check-up. As part of the check-up, vet picks up the dog, and gives it a good look. Says "I am sorry, but I have to put your dog down" "Why, is he sick, Is he dieing?" "No, he's heavy..."

T

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Josh_10

Applying for a Job at the CIA
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the jerk to death with the chair!"

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Josh_10

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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Empire_2

Funny Josh...

I heard the second joke, but not the first one...;-) Too funny.

Mike T.

Brian

One More

A man comes out of a coffee shop just as a funeral was going by.At the front was a hearsw followed by a second hearse.Behind that was a man with a pitbull on a leash.Behind him was about a hundred men walking in single file.
Confused the man went up to the man with the dog and said"I'm sorry to bother you but could you tell me who died.
The man with the dog replied"My dog attacked my wife and killed her.
The confused man then asked"Who's in the second hearse?"
The man said"My mother in-law ran to help her and my dog killed her too"
"Wow" the man said"Can I borrow your dog?"
And the man with the dog said"Get in line"


Dobber

Timco

A sodium molecule and a chlorine molecule see each other on the street one day. The sodium molecule grabs the chlorine molecule and hits him, and is arrested for comitting.....assault!

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Timco

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop....

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Timco

A man hears a knock at the door and opens it only to find a snail on the step. He picks it up, and throws it as far as he can. 3 months later there's a knock at the door. The man opens the door and there's the same snail. Snail looks up and says "what was all that about??!!"

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Timco

A proton tells a neutron " I think I saw my long lost brother yesterday." "Are you sure?" says the neutron....Proton says....."I'm positive..."

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