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tax time humour

Mitch_4 Member Posts: 955
Letter to the IRS

Note: This is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s
weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The
letter speaks for itself.

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and
no longer my responsibility, the government should know something
about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up
early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy!
While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe
sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be
handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr.
Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In
February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or
to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes,
he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock
out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools
dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half
the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite
obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot
speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois
she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy
pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I
have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)


  • Edward A. (Ed) Carery
    Edward A. (Ed) Carery Member Posts: 138
    That was great



  • Sweet_3
    Sweet_3 Member Posts: 33
    My wife and I got a real good laugh

    That was great thank You!!
  • Weezbo
    Weezbo Member Posts: 6,232
    Man that guy sounds like he Knows What hes talkin about!

    The I.R.S. is in need of some refreshing real world ajudication itSelf :) and that guys kids sound like they could justabout single handedly wake them Right up :)maybe he should send a coupla them right away! it would be like the ransome of red chief...the sun wouldnt set before they would want to send them straight back home with ...With the deduction and a notarized apology to the guy and his wife ....we pay the taxes so these kids can at least know they have parents and know they are loved for who they are ..when the government stiffs their parents or the vets or the handicapped or elderly we ought to be able to fire the sob's.
This discussion has been closed.