Groundhog day - revisited via the Twilight Zone (PAH)

Dave Yates (PAH)

When I was a mere lad of about six, my brothers awoke me to say they were going to dispatch a groundhog at the top of the hill with Dad's 30-ought-6 deer-rifle that had a scope. Never mind it was about 6 AM and the window they were going to shoot from was a scant five-feet from my parent's open bedroom window.

T'was before central or window A/C units, which we would soon have - each weighing about four hundred pounds, which meant they'd remain in the window until hell froze over or they simply shook off the side of the house. A hot muggy morn with air so still you could hear a flea barking. But here we were, me wide eyed by my older brothers' bold initiative, & my parents blissfully asleep with their open window just feet from the rifle's muzzle.

BANG!

"Jesus H. %^&*!", my father loudly exclaimed "What the hell was that?" As we three gleefully bounded off to pretend we were soundly sleeping(G).

30-ought-6 = 1; groundhog = 0 + One Dad mad as hell!

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Dave Yates (PAH)

Debating about telling this tale of terror...

This past Sunday, I was lounging about in my robe enjoying the first cup of Joe and contemplating a heaping bowl of ripe strawberries when I spied a big fat groundhog half way up the bank behind our bird feeders - clearly out of his territory and on MY turf - the bugger!

So, I did what any red-blooded middle-aged overweight man would do when his turf has been encroached upon - I opened the door to the yard and scared off all of the other wildlife by yelling and generally making a darned fool of myself. Worked quite well on the birds, chipmunks and squirrels, but had little to no affect upon Mr. in-your-face-attitude groundhog who simply turned his head slightly as if to say "Hey, AFUE too!".

So, having now asserted my territorial rights and having had said rights ignored, I stomped off to the bird feeders (all the while thinking my rather brazen barefoot display of hubris would cause said groundhog to beats feets), only to find myself virtually face-to-face (he was perched at eye-ball level on the hillside) with one mad-as-hell critter! The fat bugger bared his teeth and gave me a bone-chilling hiss - as if to say this was his hillside. Da noive!

Being of unsound mind due to the surge of testosterone, I did what any idiot would do under similar circumstances - I picked up a rather chunky hunk of tree bark shed from the log pile & tossed it at the raging maniacal tooth/fang bearing beast & he, in turn, charged at me a few feet down the hillside, loose stones clattering at his feet on the steep slope. That sent quite the chill up & down my spine.

Not to be outdone, I repeated my previous offense, which caused the bugger to charge me again. We now stood just a few feet apart with him at the yard's edge. Me in my robe & he armed with teeth that looked like sabers! Hissing is evidently groundhog-speak for I'm going to kick your arse and chew off your nose, because he had by now assumed an aggressive stance that indicated a charge was imminent. Not at all unlike a linebacker awaiting the quarterback's call for the ball-snap that would initiate the play. Naturally, my wife was nowhere to be seen or found - she later would claim to be doing laundry as I, solely and bravely, defended our homestead from an army of maurading groundhogs - no doubt this was but a scout in advance of a thundering horde consisting of fang-bearing blood-thirsty beasts intent on our destruction while our son is away on his senior-week at the shore. Imagine the horror of returning to corpses of your parents gnawed and festering in the back yard. Not a pretty picture.

Shoot-out at the bird feeder corral! Fortunately, for me, the neatly stacked wood-pile was within reach and I grasped a trusty hunk of oak while holding the crazed glare of my hissing adversary. I raised it overhead in a gesture meant to intimidate my opponent, only to find my robe had slipped open and I was now flashing the beast. This seemed to enrage him further and, before I could recover (pun intended), the enraged beast attacked.

Fortunately, for me, the hurled log hit its mark and the battle ended rather abruptly. Boot hill in the lower yard has gained a new resident next to our cherished pets.

I now have a new-found respect for all things groundhog! Be careful out there.

PS - I'm not touching that hunk of wood until the potential rabies germs have dried up and turned to dust!


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Mark Eatherton1

I'm in tears....

rolling on the floor laughing my overweight middle aged arse off. You need to hook up with Chuck. Maybe between the two of you you can get some kind of movie/book deal...

Back to crying...Where's a video camera when you need one???

ME

PS, You reminded me of my episode with "The Bird"...

Enjoy!

ME
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Steve Ebels_3

What is it with you guys and groundhogs?

First Chuck Shaw and now you Dave. I gotta teach you guys how to shoot. Those varmints are best engaged at long distance. I know this from an experience in my younger, even stupider years. The boys and I are contemplating a prairie dog fest the end of July in South Dakota. Any hitchhikers would be welcome. BYOR

Steve Ebels_3

Movie?

I'll stick with the "behind the scene" view. (G)

Weezbo

Holy *$@! What are you doing ))

the first story had me siding with you ...the next story bout pops made me think maybe we are related )))i bet if the lot of us were given a survey all of our folks would turn out to be THE most loving and Tolerant parents on the planet ! we ought to have a parents day at the Wall ...:)) oh boy, would that set the facts straight

ScottMP

Hey did I tell you that story ?

My grandfather did the same thing, only it was my parenst window and was a small shotgun. The story goes Dad came up swinging. lolol

I sure this grounghog did'nt die of laughter after the robe came open ??

Is'nt throwing a log of wood at a small animal a scotish sport ??

Scott

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tommyoil

Dave, its obvious

that the slip of the robe weakened the beast at which point he could no longer think clearly himself. Could the tears in HIS eyes from the sight of your "nature" obstructed his view? He probably could not see the OTHER mighty oak coming at him. Way to get the "leg up" on your fearless opponent. Great strategy. I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for THAT debacle. I'm still laughing out loud. Great story.

Wayco Wayne

OMGod!!!

Be careful out there. Ground hogs are mean. They are best viewed through a rifle scope from a safe distance. I had one take up residence under my shed and every time I went to get something he would stick his head out and hiss and make awfull noises. I flushed him out with a hose, from a safe distance. BTW. I don't know if your ancestry is in any way Norse, because if it is, you may have instinctivly been following an old Viking fighting strategy. The opening of the robe before battle to show lack of fear is an old Viking tradition. WW

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John R. Hall

Dave

Would we title this tale "Giving the Groundhog a Woody?"

jackchips_2

Now that

I've stopped laughing, I hope that critter wasn't under age. You could be charged with something in California and even though a jury would let you off it would cost you a bundle.

Let's keep that robe closed.

Jack

Paul Rohrs_4

can't we all just get along?.......

> Would we title this tale "Giving the Groundhog a

> Woody?"



Regards,

PR

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Paul Rohrs_4

\"Can't we all just get along?.....\"

Uh...."No taxation without representation?"......uh, "Damn the torpedo's full speed ahead!",...... well....okay, I would of shot the little bastage too.

Great story Dave.LOL

Regards,

PR

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BillW@honeywell

Watch \"Braveheart\" again...

you're supposed to show the other side! LMAO! It seems I am guilty of the same same thing as the others,ie: giving my parents a rude wakeup call by blasting a groundhog with a 12 gauge from an upstairs window adjacent to their open bedroom window. Groundhog bits everywhere! What a mess to clean up. Ah, the country life...

Mike T., Swampeast MO

Where There's One...

...sure to be more. Bait trap with cauliflower or brocolli--they seem to find both irresistable. They are brazen little critters. Swampeast MO variety seem to just ignore and then casually walk away if you get too close. Even the ones in the trap don't seem aggressive. Sometimes they're BBQ--other times released well away from here.

Dave Yates (PAH)

Catch & Relocation

When Mike was about eight, we had groundhogs living under our shed. He & I built a live-trap like ones I had built at summer camps in my youth. We included a round window with heavy-gauge wire screening. Our neighbor gave Mike the rasberries and stated we'd never catch anything.

Well, one fine day we had a mean-as-a-snake groundhog captured and Mike went running to the neighbor's house all the while hollering about the catch. In his excited state, he completely missed seeing their screen door was slid across the opening & ran right through the screen! Fortunately, the neighbor had a great sense of humor & took it as his punishment for doubting our prowess in capturing wild game.

I wanted to dispatch the beast, but that's not what the eight-year-old thought appropriate. Not too far from our abode, their lived a lawyer - the type who chases ambulances and with an ego the size of the universe. He also had a very large and well-manicured vegetable garden - about the size of our yard. So began the clandestine groundhog relocation program. Late night drop-offs!

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jerry scharf_3

blow 'em up

Dave,

Not only a funny story but a great job telling it.

http://www.rodenator.com I keep waiting for someone to try one of these and report back. It seems just perfect.

Maybe someone could go into the rodent removal business with one of these. There wouldn't be many questions of "how do I know they are gone." You could do a video of each job to give to the owners.

jerry