Friday night joke...

Mark Eatherton1

in her mid thirties is confiding in her friend that she had not had intimate contact in over two years. No dates, no nookie. Her friend recommended that she seek help from the famous Dr. Chang, Sexual Therapist.

She makes the appointment. At their first meeting Dr Chang comes into the patient room and says "Take off all your crose and get down on the froor on your hands and knees" She obliges. He then says "Craw as fast as you can toward the wall, then turn around and craw as fast as you can back to me." She does so and he say "Ah yes, velly velly bad case of Ed Zachary disease..." In wonderment, she asks him what Ed Zachary disease is and he says "Your butt rooks Ed Zachary rike your face!"

Hope I don't offend too many people...:-)

ME

jackchips_2

Oh, you may

but I'm not one of them.

Floyd_7

Why did M.Jackson go to Wally World???

He heard that boy's pants were half off......

Floyd

Glenn Harrison_2

You might want to spell out M.J., Floyd

since it usually stands for Michael Jordon.

Floyd_7

Didn't think of that....

Hope no Jordan fans were offended...

Wayco Wayne_2

One of my favorites

It goes like this. An old time red neck cop is walking up to a car he has just pulled over in a radar trap. As the young man at the drivers seat opens the window the cop drawls, "Boy, I've been waiting for you all day." to which the driver replys, "Hey, I got here as quick as I could." (bunump,bump)

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Constantin

Or do what a friend of a friend (?) did in GA...

... he was caught in a radar trap going way over the speed limit. The cop asks "who do think you are, burning through our town like that?" to which our dear Yankee replied "General Sherman?"

Not the right answer. He went to jail.

Good story, though I don't know if it's true. (Edited to reflect WW's astute observation re: Generals names. I haven't had coffee yet, forgive me!)

Wayco Wayne_2

Do you mean

General Shrman??? He's the Union General who burned Atlanta to the ground in the Civil War. By the way, Constantine, I saw a preview of a movie that bears your name starring Kneau Reeves. Were you consulted for this endeavor? WW

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Constantin

Consulted... why yes, of course!

This movie is all about my daily endeavors saving the planet from the forces of evil...

Since I'm largely unknown outside the orc/demon/angel community and since 2-hour long reality shows aren't the usual fare for movie theatres, they elected to recreate it Hollywood style with Keanu. Oh well.

You know, nothing unwinds me better than spending some time on the Wall philosophizing about heating systems after a long day slaying demons, etc.

Gotta go, another demon on the loose in NJ... and it's not my sister-in-law, for once.

:-)

Wayco Wayne_2

Constantin

Of course Jersey. It's all the great all night diners that attracts them. Not to mention the White Castles. My lovely bride is from the Toms River area and whenever I've visited I've seen beings frequenting these establishments, late at night, whose appearance can only be explained by the fact that they are probably Demons. It all makes sense now. :P WW

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S Ebels

Monday nite after the Super Bowl funny

It has nothing to do with the Super Bowl.............


A German woman, a Japanese woman and a Redneck woman were in the sauna at a posh resort. Like where Dan and Maryann are right now.

Suddenly, there's a chirring sound and the German woman looks at her palm and taps it. "My My" she says, "I just can't get any peace and quiet since I had this microchip pager implanted in my palm, I've just been paged."

A while later there's a couple beeps and the Japanese woman lifts up her hand and begins talking into it. When she finished talking, she turned to the other two women and went on and on about how convenient her new implanted cell phone was.

Now, the Redneck woman was feeling a little outclassed and after a few minutes she jumped up and left the sauna. The German and Japanese gals were thinking that they had really shown the Redneck a thing or two when she suddenly returned with about a yard of TP hanging out of her "cheeks". The two women stared in horror and the German woman asked, pointing at the paper, "What is that"!!?
The Redneck woman calmly turned, looked at the paper and back at the other two women and said "Well, looky there, I'ma gittin a fax".

John Shea

Monday Nite Funny

A man and his wife decide to go to the doctor since he has been feeling run down the last couple of weeks.

The doctor checks him out thoroughly, and when he's finished with the exam, tells the man to have a seat in the waiting room and asks him to send in his wife.

"What is it Doctor?" the wife asks. The Doctor proceeds to tell her "Your husband is very stressed. He's overworked and underfed. You need to make sure he gets three square meals a day, and Plenty of rest and relaxation or he's going to die."

The husband and wife leave the doctors office and he asks her "What did the Doctor say?" to which she replies "He says you're going to die!"

Floyd_7

Roosters......

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive
domain over the entire

chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster
takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off
running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the
old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM
- He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

RoosterBoy

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.

When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Weezbo

A Christian outlook *~/:)

Ok ...so it is raining like a wall of water outside,..so the guy has a few more for the road and starts walking for home....well, he can hardly see so he has one foot in the cutter and one on the sidewalk...and hes strugging down the road when a cop pulls up and jumps out of the vehicle...."Hey Buddy! Your under arrest!"
"Thank God!" the guy replies..."I thought i was lame"...:)