Friday funny

jackchips_2

I opened the start and the winner and thankfully was laughing too hard to open the race.

Jack

Mitch_4

Why men don't write relationship advice columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter

mel rowe

Thanks Mitch.Enjoyed that. Made me think of this story.

Dear Abby,
My husband and I have been married for a year. I can't get anything done around the house because he won't let me alone for a minute. When I'm trying to make the beds, he is right there for a little early morning delight. If I go downstairs to do the laundry, he follows me and we end up making love on the pile of dirty laundry. Even while I'm trying to make lunch, he won't leave me alone.

Please help me.
Desperate

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting.

Mitch_4

That

Was funny...I need a new keyboard..thats what I get for drinking coffee while surfing

Shane_2

Thank you both for the smile!!

To Learn More About This Professional, Click Here to Visit Their Ad in "Find A Professional"

Edward A. (Ed) Carey_3

Good stories

Two good ones.

They are keepers

Thanks

Ed Carey

Maine/Baltimore Doug_7

Submaring Races

In Maine we have Lobster Boat races. When bubbleheads get bored, they have sub races.

Maine/Baltimore Doug_7

Husbands versus Wives

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don'tknow what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

ttekushan_3

Thanks.

Blew coffee out of my nose.

Maine/Baltimore Doug_7

Three old grandmas

Three old grandmas were sitting out in the garden of the nursing home. When an old grandpa walked by, one of the Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up at once and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old man asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies yelled in unison - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Supply House Rick

from old oiler

this joke comes from the retired owner of the major supplier of heating oil in omaha in the 50's. whenever he bought a new house he would have the MUD[gas company] remove the gas line because he was all oil! now he has more time on his hands, having sold the company!--nbc



>
> Sent: Wednesday, January 28, 2009 8:45 PM
> Subject: Ah, those Texans ...
>
>
> GOOD:-
> In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
> spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered
> the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand
> painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a
> young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket
> full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
>
> BETTER:-
> A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
> radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
> cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
> responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>
> BEST:-
> A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
> State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
> she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State
> Police Ball." He replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
> There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
> just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
> She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Josh M.

What she said: "Honey, how about, just for tonight we turn of the TV and just talk?"

What he heard: "Honey, tonight I'm going to place your head in a vice and slowly tighten it over the span of the evening until your head explodes."

Pinball

short love story

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied.

'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own freaking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.