A message from the Queen of England

Unknown

a pretty nice girl but she doesn't have a lot to say".

Apparently that has changed. ;)

Dave Yates (GrandPAH)_11

Her Majesty speaks out

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

ScottMP

Your Royal Highness

Just out of curiosity ... Who will save the Royal Backside the next time some country invades or decides to take over the World?

Just wondering.

BY the way, please watch the movie four wedding and a funeral. Ms McDowell plays a Yank.

Scott

PS: Rather funny David, brilliant.



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Paul Fredricks_9

Queen Elizebeth II

Isn't she a ship?

Some of that actually sounded fine to me, especially the beer part. Maybe only the beer part.

Howard Emerson

A reply to the Queen

Dear Liz,
Eat my bog roll:-)

Best,
HE

Glen

Very reasonable list -

may those of us of like mind - north of the 49th join in??? Wait a minute - we still sing God Save the Queen! Belay that. BTW - aluminum or aluminium as you have spelled it gave my spell check quite the rush!

J.C.A._3

Warm Beer?

Sacrilege!

Do we have to eat the "biscuits" with "Crunchy Toad" or "Larks Vomit"? (Python fans will get it!)

Not even with a "belly full of wine" will I stand for this.

Cricket....RIGHT!!!! JCA

ScottMP

Would someone please

send this breakfast back and Cook it !

Runny eggs, fleshy bacon and toast only done on one side ?

Scott

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Bruce M_2

Queen Elizabeth 2

The Queen Elizabeth 2 is the ship. Queen Elizabeth II is her majesty. The Queen Elizabeth 2 was not named for the present queen. It was named after Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon who was the queen consort of George VI. The last voyage of the QE2 is scheduled for the end of this year.

Bruce M_2

Queen Elizabeth 2

The Queen Elizabeth 2 is the ship. Queen Elizabeth II is her majesty. The Queen Elizabeth 2 was not named for the present queen. It was named after Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon who was the queen consort of George VI. The last voyage of the QE2 is scheduled for the end of this year.

Charlie from wmass

great in my books

As the son of Scot I will be happy for her to be in charge here. It will take the sting out of Scotlands Independence and the end of the false union it has had to endure. I guess I will be heading back East perhaps show them a proper water heating device and Automotive wiring that works. I could make Millions.

Steamhead (in transit)

Awwww, c'mon

the parrot's just havin' a kip after a long squawk!

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day.....

It would be worth it if they showed Python more often!

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Unknown

He's a lumberjack,,,

and he's ok...