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Tough Day... Caring for elderly parents and taking the car away

bill nye_3
bill nye_3 Member Posts: 307
If you want to sell it let me know.

I spoke to my Mom and Dad today, they "winter over" down in FLA. They are in their late 70's and still drive. I guess I haven't given much thought to my parents or in-laws getting older. We have been real lucky so far.

Hope everything works out. Thanks for caring for your folks.


  • Perry_3
    Perry_3 Member Posts: 498
    Tough Day... Caring for elderly parents and taking the car away

    Its been a tough day. Today I took the car away from my parents. That was not planned for today (but us kids have been talking about it) - but when I got there today it was obvious that it was needed now.

    The whole situation has been tough for the last several years. I live about 3 hours away - which has its advantages and disadvantages.

    Dad is in his 80's and no longer has a drivers license (but that does not stop him from driving); Mom is in the Upper 70's and has very limited driving experience 25 years ago. Mom actually thought I was going to tech her how to drive today (and they live in modest size city with fairly intense traffic). Accident waiting to happen is she tries to drive now.

    I run the "Parents Fund" in my family and was going to start funding taxi service today - and I showed up with $275 in taxi fare coupons from a local taxi company (with the promise that they will get the same each month). Us kids though we could leave the car for a few more weeks while we figured out a nice way to ease the car out of there. The easy way never seems to work.

    So I took the car away - had it hauled away on a tow truck. Technically the car belongs to one of my brothers (and he had no problems with removing the car at this time).

    The neighbors thanked me as the car was being loaded on the tow truck and said "about time."

    So its been a tough day; but sometimes doing the right think is not easy. Needless to say - I'm not the most popular with them at this time - but that will not stop me from calling tomorrow and wishing my mother a good mother's day.

    I just needed to share with others. I hope you all understand.

  • Wayco Wayne_2
    Wayco Wayne_2 Member Posts: 2,479
    Sorry for your troubles.

    Sounds like it was needed though. It's hard when your parents become a danger to themselves and others. Mine are close to the same problem. Do the local grocery stores have delivery service. Down here Giant Foods has a division called "Pea-Pod," that delivers grocerys. Something like that could be a help. Good Luck. WW

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  • Keith_8
    Keith_8 Member Posts: 399
    city living

    One advantage to city living is the ability to walk to shop or the doctors visits.
    My wifes grandmother lived in Brooklyn on her own until she was 92. Never drove a car one day in her life. That we know about anyway!

    I was visting my great uncle last week and I noticed his car was not in the driveway, didn't have the heart to ask him where it was. My cousins must have just had the same unpleasant task that you are going thru Perry. Uncle John was the 1st plumbing mechanic I ever worked for, 31 years ago. I was 15 and looking to earn some money to buy a car. He taught me alot about plumbing and life.

    I'll never forget when I was about 21 he made the comment that I had pulled myself up by the bootstraps and straightened out my life. At the time I didn't realize what he was saying but after I thought about it alittle bit he was correct. He is a simple man with a big heart and I'll always be thankful that he was part of my life when I needed it most.

    Keep the faith Perry, you did the right thing.


  • Steve Gates_3
    Steve Gates_3 Member Posts: 27

    I've always been cautious about taking away someones independence. Every so often you need to be drastic. Going tru this with my mom now(since last June). I even took her to get her renewal a few weeks ago. She is a very concerned about not being able to drive but is more concerned about living. With the help of the church ladies and grankids she hasn't "needed"to drive. Doing the right thing may not be easy yet it is always right.
    God bless you for taking care of who took care of you.
  • Randy_25
    Randy_25 Member Posts: 21

    Perry, I have been down this road myself. It is hard, my father passed away in 1997, my parents spent 55 years together. After my father deid, my mother lived in the house that they purchased in 1949 together. My mother had two accidents within a year. We took the car then. The hardest thing was last year she could no longer live by herself. I moved her in with me, and we could not care for her properly. We had to put her in a nursing home. She passed away last month at 89. You did the right thing.
  • Larry Weingarten
    Larry Weingarten Member Posts: 3,304

    Various newspaper articles come to mind where the elderly driver steps on the gas instead of the brakes and mows down a whole family. You've absolutely done the right thing by not allowing that possibility.

    Yours, Larry
  • Perry_3
    Perry_3 Member Posts: 498
    Thanks all.

    Thanks, I appreciate it.

    To answer some questions:

    Madison, Wisconsin does not have groceries that deliver. They also do not live in an area where they can walk to anything.

    That is the reason for the cab fare coupons (which I had been working on for two weeks).

    While it is not the time to mention it... Most of us kids want to get the folks to agree to move before winter. There are elderly focused housing - with activities (or activities in a couple of blocks) in the area.

    Currently where they live needs a lot of snow shoveling - and the mail box is quite a ways away from the house (a mailbox center for the development instead of individual home mailboxes - the post office is most concerned with their effiency these days).

    Mom perked up a bit today when I told her that the car was most likely to be given to one of the kids who could use a good car (I have 7 brothers and sisters). I am still negotiating that - but its a 90+% deal at this point.

  • Perry_3
    Perry_3 Member Posts: 498

    Sorry about your loss - and thanks for caring.

  • Ruthe Jubinville_2
    Ruthe Jubinville_2 Member Posts: 674
    I was the lucky one

    My mom who will be 94 in July had 2 strokes 10 years ago. She kept asking "could she just drive downstreet?"
    I told her she couldn't talk and walk at the same time yet and until she could she couldn't drive. After about a year of this she voluntarily turned in her license and sold her car. I was so lucky!. Those of you who are coming to the Big Ugly Western Mass in July will get to meet her. Still going strong but no driving. ..Ruthe
  • Don \"Grumpy\" Walsh
    Don \"Grumpy\" Walsh Member Posts: 184
    Didn't have to do it.

    My mother-in-law has been unable to drive for the last 6 months because of physical limitations. She is now 85 and in failing health. She has decided that she had driven her last mile. At dinner last week, she handed me the title and keys to her car and said......enjoy.

    Of course I have no need for a mint condition, totally loaded, 1990 Chevy Caprice Classic with only 52,000 miles on it, but I'll keep it parked in the warehouse and drive it home on Wednesdays...the day she has dinner with us.
  • jackchips_2
    jackchips_2 Member Posts: 1,338
    You are not

    in this alone, Perry.

    Tough love is-TOUGH-hang in there.

  • Paul Fredricks_3
    Paul Fredricks_3 Member Posts: 1,557

    My folks moved in with my brother and his wife a few years back. It was a great set up and the grandkids were in the area.

    When my mom passed away my father was left alone during the day since both my brother and sister in-law work. It took some convincing, but dad moved into an elderly housing unit last year. He loves it. Lots to do, people to talk to, and a kind staff that really cares. Unfortunately, at 88, he still drives. That's going to be a tough one for us too. I think you definitely did the right thing.
  • Tony_23
    Tony_23 Member Posts: 1,033

    In my area they have an application for cases such as your parents' to get their mail at their doorstep, as long as it's passable.

    My recently deceased Grandma had this service for about 5 years after the mailman suggested it. We didn't know and someone would bring in the mail daily. Miraculously (sp), the one time she fell she was able to get up and get to the house. It was winter and she broke her wrist, thank God it wasn't her hip.

    She's been gone 4-1/2 months now and I still feel it every day. Yesterday was especially hard.....

    On a good note, my son is going to be home for 2 weeks in June right around Father's Day :) Then he gets shipped to Camp Pendleton.
  • John Mills_5
    John Mills_5 Member Posts: 951
    Sorry to hear that

    Went through it with a great Uncle who was very close to me when I was a teen. He ended up giving me his beloved old Buick. At least it got him off the road. My Uncle had to have his yanked by my cousin.

    But my Dad was a different story. Sis & I just asked him to stop driving. Didn't take the keys, nothing. He stopped just like that.

    I remember that spring he needed some booze. Grabbed his cane and walked the 1.25 miles from his senior apartment to his favorite liquor store. On the way back he fell, some high school students brought him to his home. He was so proud that he didn't break his 3 bottles!
  • Don \"Grumpy\" Walsh
    Don \"Grumpy\" Walsh Member Posts: 184

    Bill, I have no need for the car. But until the dear lady passes, I'll keep it in the warehouse and drive it to her house on Wednesdays to pick her up for dinner. She would never forgive me if I sold it, but I will keep you in mind should the situation change.
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