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Good Friday humor

Brad White_9
Brad White_9 Member Posts: 2,440
Two vultures are boarding an airliner, each with a dead raccoon under each wing.

The flight attendant taps them on the shoulder.

"I am sorry but the rule is, only one carrion per passenger."

Comments

  • Salesmanship at its finest...

    A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.


    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
    "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one".


    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".


    The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"


    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
  • ScottMP
    ScottMP Member Posts: 5,883
    Heard it a different way but Still a good joke.

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.



    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.



    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.



    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?!

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


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  • Weezbo
    Weezbo Member Posts: 6,232
    *~/:)

    me needed that :)

    Thanks.
  • David Sutton_6
    David Sutton_6 Member Posts: 1,079
    Redneck time!!

    Why can't you identify the remains of a redneck??????






    No dental records...and the DNA is all the same!!;-)

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  • J.C.A._3
    J.C.A._3 Member Posts: 2,980
    OK I'll keep it going.

    A man walks into the house, only to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed, giddy with laughter..

    Hubby asks "what's going on here?" Wife replies that she just had a mamogram, and the doctor told her she has the breasts of an 18 year old girl.

    Husband replies, "what did he say about your 50 year old rear end?" Wife replies, "Your name never came up" ! Badump, CHING
    Happy Friday.
  • S Milne
    S Milne Member Posts: 112
    Tip You Waitress

    A Rabbi, a Policeman and a Divorce lawyer walk into a bar.

    The bartender says " Hey, what is This, some kinda joke ? "

    Hey we got a million of em folks.

    Scott
  • Brian
    Brian Member Posts: 285
    Trust

    Definition of Trust----

    Two cannibals having oral sex.

    Dobber
  • Jerry_15
    Jerry_15 Member Posts: 379


    And just remamber, when you date homeless chicks, you can drop them off anywhere you want. (Cruel big city joke)
  • Josh_10
    Josh_10 Member Posts: 787


    Priest's First Mass

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
    So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ****.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ****.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

This discussion has been closed.