Friday Funny

jackchips_2

in 1964 this story brought a smile to my face and a little warmth into my heart. Leave it to the Irish.

Jack

Mitch_4

just got this..made me laugh thought I'd share

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love miitary time?!)

Have a great weekend everyone

Brad White_33

Appropos of Nothing....Zen Judaism

My Susan sent this to me:

Zen Judaism:
The Jewish Approach to Zen.
-----------------

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or
a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle
maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says," Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient
being who happens to be Jewish?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have
attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.

Garret

an oldie but goodie...

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the golden gate and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a moment and said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on cold wooden floors. I would like a nice, warm, fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more," and instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gate to heaven with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, "Well, we've had a hard life. We've had to run all our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week went by and God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently woke the cat and asked, "Is everything OK? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful! I have never been so happy in my life. My pillow is so fluffy, and the meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious."

Wayco Wayne_2

All good ones

Thank yu for the laffs. Here's one sent by a friend. An older couple were sitting together in church. The old lady leans over and whispers to the old man. "I just let a silent fart. What should I do?" The old man whispers back, "Change your hearing aid battery." :P WW

To Learn More About This Professional, Click Here to Visit Their Ad in "Find A Professional"

Dave Stroman

Here is another good one.

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ early 50's.


Adventurous ..............Slept with everyone.


Athletic ...................... No breasts.



Average looking .......... Moooo!!!


Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.


Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

Feminist .................... Fat & butch.


Free spirit .................. Junkie.


Friendship first .......... Former slut.


New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.


Old-Fashioned .......... No BJ's.


Open-minded ............. Desperate.


Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional .............. ****.


Voluptuous ................ Fat.

Medium frame .......... Hugely Fat.

Wants soul mate ....... Stalker.

A True Individual..........Unusual tatoos & piercings.



Guide to WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry, jerk

6. We need to talk = you're **** is in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not, assface

8. Do what you want = you'll pay for it later

9. I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!


10. What would you think if = You better say yes, butt-nutt

11. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Let's have sex now

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with
you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with
you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


Dave in Denver

eric_2

ONE MORE

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy says, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And
to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy really gets excited and says, "And so did I! Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"

The other guys says, "Well now let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
you belive it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vickie walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vickie, shaking his head and mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!"

Vickie asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Kelly twins are drunk again"